I saw this pretty cool movie, maybe youve seen it. Its called Animal House? Or something like that?

I'm getting old. Ok, well, maybe not really, but I feel pretty old. Granted, Im only 26. And, I just turned 26, so maybe I'm just a complainer. Granted, that has to be pretty obvious, or else I wouldn't have a blog..



So yeah, "the kids" are getting younger and younger these days.



Wait. I just said " the kids"... I guess that's proof that I'm getting kind of old.



Oh yeah, the reason for this whole thing.. Sorry, I get side tracked pretty quick...



I live in the "cool" part of Cincinnati, near our largest university. All of the cool coffee shops, restuarants, bars, the independent theatre, etc etc are located a few blocks from my apartment. I obviously chose this location because I enjoy all of these things, but I forgot a very, very important fact while making this decision.



I can't stand college kids. Now, don't get me wrong, I have friends in college, and I think college is a wonderful thing. Who doesn't? I'm not saying that every single kid in college is a douchebag. When I say college kids, I personally feel that they can broken down into several categories, which I will now share for you so we can all be on the same page...



1) Typical frat guy/sorority girl



Let's face it, the average person that you bump into in college that is involved with "greek life" is a total dingleberry. As with all things, there exeptions to the rule. For instance, I have heard of fraternities and sororities that do great things for the community, or actually help their fellow students. We aren't talking about these particular individuals... No, we are talking about the 5 year old kid whose dad came home from work at the insurance company every day half drunk from hitting the theme restaurant happpy hour on the way home. His dad and his buddys play cards once a week on Thursday nights, and while 20 bucks exchanges hands on the table and Budlite(totally mic ultra these days..) cans fill the trashcan, they talk about the crazy times at college back when they "ran the fuckin place". They have an entire room in their house dedicated to framed football jerseys from their school, and they always wear that old frat sweatshirt while mowing the lawn on Sunday afternoon. As the five year old kid gets older, he continually hears about this amazing party called college. He now knows he has to "make his old man proud" and attend the same school that pop did to make him happy. He knows its going to be an awesome party, but he just doesn't know why...



Then, one day when the kid is like, 13, and his dad comes home from a Bon Jovi cover band night at the local sports bar blitzed out of his mind, it all happens. His dad busts out the old scrapbook, and talks about how wild the nights were back at wherever tech, or whatever. Now this kid, an adolecent, hormone imbalanced mess, realizes JUST HOW COOL his dad really is. But, as it turns out, lots of dads were pretty cool, because by the time these kids are all 14, they are watching their dads college team play sports on tv, they own a foam finger, and they cant wait for their turn to be cool. By the time they are 15, they know to do just enough in school to get them into this fantasy world where the beer flows like, well, beer and the chicks are hot and everything goes. They work hard, and that first fall in college is amazing. THE CHICKS!!! THE BEER!!!! THE BROS!!!!!!!! Holy shit, this is so fucking cool!!!! Then, just when it couldnt get any cooler, its motherfuckin RUSH WEEK!!!!! This is the day when all of the future date rapist/rapees line up in front of their favorite frat house and do whatever humiliating thing they are asked, for that awesome rite of passage that is "greek life". They eat bugs, chug beer, puke up stuff, etc etc until the heard has been thinned. Then, it's all over. The best of the best are now part of Frat Row, and life is awesome!



Or, it was. Until these drunkan children wake up four years later with a degree in whatever business course they signed up for and realize that the party is all over. All of chicks are gone, the beer kegs are tapped and the frat house said to get the fuck on. Now these dudes realize that they have to get a job, move to burbs and start a family. They then realize that they have already lived the best 4 years of their lives, just like their dad did. They feel jaded, and ripped off. Why didnt dad tell him that frat life doesnt get you anywhere??? Oh, because he was a drunkan shithead! Well, what now???? HAHAHA, Ive got it! ILL HAVE A KID AND DO THE SAME THING TO HIM!! YEAH!!!



And so it starts again. Chances are most people you work with, buy something from on the internet, etc were once frat guys. You know, that cool mid 30s office manager that still goes to Lollapalooza and tells you about it because he thinks you care? Yeah, hes annoying because he was a frat guy before he was an office manager...



Ok, ATTENTION!! I get it, that last part was really long. I just really hate most frat guys(like I said, I know some ok frat dudes, but they are rare) and wanted to tell that story..



Lets move on to my second favorite college stereotype...



2) College indierocker/hippy/punker/hiphop dudes and dudettes



We all know these kids. These are the kids that hang out at the coffee shop, wearing the Against Me! hoodie while telling all of their friends how great and underground Against Me! are while Against Me! are playing in town and they don't even know about it. They are the local PETA chapter that found out about PETA from a flier, but end up managing a steakhouse after college. They are the annoying hip hop kid with the skateboard that tells me how great this new artist Sage Francis is. They are the kids that go into a record store and buy all of the band tshirts that are brown, or have something really artsy on them without ever hearing the band, then they go home and buy the records on itunes and then act as if these bands have been their life for the last 10 years... Hey, I heard Death Cab years ago, it still sucks, ok? These kids are pretentious as hell, and have no reason to be because the old guy that they are ringing out at the grocery store has acually been to a show and isnt impressed with their newfound knowledge. These kids are the worst, and any attempt to put them in their place in front of all of their friends is crucial. Is that childish? Sure, but if you dont bring these bloated egos down quickly they will turn into Jack Atherton, and God knows that Cincinnati/the world does NOT NEED ANOTHER JACK ATHERTON! For instance, once at the gas station by my apartment...



Girl behind the counter with partially green hair: Is that a band tattoo?

me, looking at the floor, wishing I was dead and gritting my teeth: yes(i have an alkaline trio tattoo, which probably make this entire post EXTREMELY ironic to those 4 years older than me...)

girl:oh, I thought so. I really like them. I also love underoath.

me:ok

girl, dissapointed that I wasnt impressed with her knowledge, somewhat sulky and now a bit bummed: oh.. well... here is your change...



It's just something that you have to do from time to time.



And on to the last group...



3) The "im so different than everyone else here" crowd.



We all know them. They are the kids on campus that didnt make it to Frat Row, and there wasnt an extra seat for them at the coffee shop, hearing about this new Against Me! band. However, even if there had been, they wouldnt have gone. They are way too above that stuff. They often bump shoulders with the hip kids and the frat dudes at the local Hot Topic, only while Frat Guy is picking up the new Hatebreed and Hip Chick is buying whatever she can find from The Postal Service, the "different" kid is snatching the new Nightmare Before Christmas bag, which is going to come in handy BIG TIME when they are taking their LARPING(look it up, its real) books to the "other coffee shop" down the street(the one that no one wants to go to) to talk DandD and the newest anime. These kids want so deep down to be a part of the other groups, but since they are just a little weird, they know that they never will. Instead of just taking a self eval to see what it is that creeps people the fuck out, they instead turn that trait up to 11 and embrace "who they are". The difference between these kids and the others? They all end up in the same office building, only, much like college, no one likes them there either. Why? Because no one wants to hear you quote lines from Napolean Dynamite on a Monday morning after a crazy reunion weekend with their COOL college buds. It didnt work then and it wont now, so just fucking stop it!!



The point to all of this?



Hrm... Probably that Im 26 and feeling old, and proving so by bitching about the "kids". I cant help it! You buy a can of Sparks at the corner store and have the 17/18 year old pimple faced moron behind the counter tell you to "get your drank on" and tell me that Im bitching about nothing....



I feel a bit out of touch, and work a lame job, and play some music with my band. I then realize when I feel out of touch that its probably a good thing. I dont need to fit in.



Right?



RIGHT???

Wait a minute, this sounds familiar!!



OH SHIT!!!!

IM WORSE OFF THAN "THE DIFFERENT CROWD" AND I DIDNT EVEN GET AN EDUCATION!!! FUCK!!

The lesson, kids? Dont ever listen to me. Ever.

More later!!

And on the seventh day, God created.. ahea ym.. I got nothing...

Blog number 1!!!!

Yeah, I'm not really excited at all. I doubt that many people will read this, and I will look down on those people that do with a burning and sincere hatred. Why do we waste our time typing and reading these stupid things? I find the entire blog thing to be hilarious. Im from Cincinnati, and our local news anchor, Jack Atherton is always talking about his "hard hitting blog" that "you wont find anywhere else". Let me get this straight, Jack. You are getting paid to be on tv 5 nights a week to keep me informed about what is going on in my city and you still beg people to read your blog every night?? What it is about blogs??? Why do we crave them?? Jack Atherton isnt the only one(but boy does the shit he writes put me to sleep, hard hitting my ass!) We all have one of these things! When Im watching Meet the Press on Sunday morning, I hear them talk about the speculations of bloggers on the big issues. WHO CARES WHAT BLOGGERS THINK!?!?!?! In the words of Wayne Campbell, have we all gone mental?? Any jackass can have a blog, but it isnt like any jackass can just run the country!! Right?!?!?

Wait, what was that?

YOU CAN BE A RANDOM JACKOFF AND RUN THE COUNTRY???

Thats fucking AWESOME!! Well, what do I have to do??? Sign me up!!!!

Oh, wait, what? I have to be from Alaska? No thanks, I saw 30 Days of Night, I know that no one lives there besides vampires and Josh Hartnet(jeez, I feel bad putting vampires in this category..) But, you know, maybe I can move there, if it means I can run the country. I do hate my job enough to something so simple, right? I bet you have to have some pretty rad shit under your belt to get this honor besides just living in Alaska, right?

EW, REALLY? You have to be a HOCKEY MOM? Gross. Well, they did play Sega Hockey in Swingers, and that is a damn fine movie, so... Ok, sure!!! What else??

NO!!! I... NO..! I will not do it. I will not say "Whats the difference between a pitbull and a Hockey Mom- Lipstick". I cant do it. Id get laughed off of the podium!! What the hell kind of advisor are you?

Oh, Sarah WHO's advisor? SHE RUNNING FOR WHAT?????

Phew... Sorry, I nodded off. For a second there I was having a nightmare about a completely underqualified redneck woman from a state that sucks so much that more people would rather live in Cincinnati than there, and I dreamed that she was the vice presidential Republican Candidate who will be the president if elected, being that the Presidential candidate is 72 years old and could die any second now..

Wait, that wasnt a nightmare??? SHIT!!!! Well who have the Democrats got in there to make sure this doesnt happen? JOE BIDEN?? The old guy that cant comb the back of his hair and said basically that Obama was a huge moron that has no business being President? Well, ok... seems weird, who is his running mate. OBAMA??

I think Im going back to sleep. For months. Pass me some Colt 45 and the link to Jack Athertons blog...

Speaking of terrible fuckin ideas, whats up with Katy Perry? I hear all of this buzz about this new singer, and then I hear it on the radio 4 times a day(I dont control the radio in the office) and it pretty much sucks. She sings about kissing a girl, but not in a, Im a lesbian, Im coming out of the closet and I dont give a fuck about you and your opinions kind of way; but, in a hey im dry humping this chick on a skinamaxx flick so middle aged dudes can sleep with the woman next to them that they never should have married in the first place.. Why do people like this again? Its pretty offensive to women and homosexuals. I for one, as a woman and/or a homosexual sure wouldnt want people judging me by one of the shittiest songs Ive ever heard. I mean, at least if someone hears Benny and The Jets and thinks all gay men are like Elton John, well, thats at least awesome!

Lets see, what else. Travis Barker. Plane Crash. Burnt. I dont have any vendetta against the guy, and I hope that he is ok, and being burned would be awful, etc. However, 4 people that get paid to watch him(if you have a bodyguard and arent the leader of a nation, you are a fucking asshole) are dead.. Their names? Couldnt tell ya, people are too busy talking about Travis Barker.. Americans are obsessed with celebrities, and I couldnt even begin to tell ya why. Not even cool celebrities like Vince Vaughn, but like, really stupid ones like those morons from the Hills.. I dont get it....

Ok, thats all for now I do think. I doubt this will catch on. In the meantime, Ill be hitting up my boy Jack's blog to make sure that Im doing this correctly.

Until next time!!