It's really quite simple; MAGIC! Yes, this time of year is quite magic. Magic sucks me into enjoying songs about Jesus, it allows Santa Clause to come down your chimney and it also transforms mean spirited pricks into humanitarian savants! Please allow me to tell yet another fictional story to explain what I mean by that last one. Here goes...
Once upon a time, there was a dude named Dave. Dave has had a pretty good life, and he is now in his late 40s, early 50s. He owns a company in a medium sized Midwestern city that makes a product and sells it on the internet to retailers. Now, Dave is a really cool guy. Or, he probably was in the 80s. Truth be told, he did enough blow in the 80s to not even know that the cold war is now over, that Reagan is dead and that people aren't going to take you seriously as a business owner if you have a mullet and wear shorts with suit jackets. Yes, Dave is slightly out of touch. Ok, he's actually really fucking out of touch, but he does ok. He employs a couple dozen people, and he feels rather Godlike because of that. Dave doesn't pay very well, but those pricks are lucky to have work as it is, ya know? So, Dave likes to do totally wacky things to show you how relevant he is, like rocking the newest Christian rock band in his office or adding cool Y ending nick names to your real name. He's a wink and gun finger kind of guy. When you actually have to look into his empty eyes and realize that there isn't anyone home, it's kinda sad, so Dave likes to just say hi to you on the go. Like I said, hes really wacky and relevant, and just ZANY!
So, Dave and his other friends(the guy that runs the Cleaners down the street, the biggest White Stripes fan to ever work for an insurance company and the local Grand Wizard of the KKK) have recently discovered the Tea Party. Dave is all about the Tea Party, because he can memorize two words at a time, like "TAX" and "SPEND". He's anti social programs, which is funny, because he pays so shitty that a lot of his own employees have to seek these government services to stay alive. Dave doesn't pick up on these life facts because hes to busy watching Eddie Money interviews on VHI Classic to actually learn about his "peeps". Dave even said that the Tea Parties were the only political groups that made sense, and included his zaniness into his beliefs by passing out free bottles of tea on Tax Day. Little to his knowledge, some of his employees took two bottles, since their children can't afford milk.
So, Dave pushes this nonsense that he truly doesn't understand, he pays like crap and when he isn't walking buy your cubicle and saying "GOOD MORNING RONNNNNNNY!" hes passed out half drunk watching Glenn Beck. It's obvious that he doesn't care about poor people, as 11 months out of the year, he does nothing to help them. But then, that MAGIC happens!
Now thats its Christmastime, and he is closest thing to Christ he's ever met, hes now pushing for everything to pitch in for the "needy", and people that lost their jobs. He is SOO concerned, and he really wants you to know it. He is such a humanitarian. He may even stand behind a vat of soup before heading back to his McMansion on Christmas Eve, especially if the local paper is there with a camera. Otherwise, it would be bad for business!
The moral of the story is this; Dave is a dingleberry and people are cold, hungry and in need of assistance 12 months out of the year instead of just one. If you truly want to help people, then please do. However, if you are giving yourself a Christmas present via pat on the back, why bother? Dave has two tickets to paradise, so go ahead, you'll leave tonight. Those of us that aren't total fucking hypocrites will take care of it.
It's more of a slap in the face to pretend that you give a shit, so if you don't, just don't!
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